i've got no where else to go

i hate ranting but, here goes.

so basically i'm really not okay.
i hate putting on a smile and pretending that everything's gonna be okay.
i know that it, most likely won't.
i want to feel that i'm wanted, and right now i feel as i'm wanted to go away.
it seems like for all of my friends, everything is falling into place and i'm the only one who is falling apart.

i thought 2009 was going to be a good year. and so far, it's been horrible.
i don't understand why everything happened so fast, and in such a short amount of time.
it hasn't even hit me yet. i try not to think about it, but it seems to linger in the back of my mind.
i have a feeling that things aren't going to get any better any time soon.
i wish that they would, and that my family would be happy and alright again.

i want to run from it all, and start over.
i don't want to sit with the same people all again. i want to start with new people, and start with a new area.
even going away for a few weeks would be really nice right now.
i need something to take me away from everything.
it just hurts.
i have no idea why i'm such a trainwreck, and i know that i should cherish everything that i've been given, but right now i don't know how i'm supposed to deal with things and be so strong
there's one person that can make me like, genuinely happy without even trying
he doesn't know that he does it, and he probably doesn't even care.
but just talking to him, for what 2 seconds or seeing him. would make my day.
you know i'd do it all again for you.
i'm so confused with everything and i don't know when it gets better, but i hope it does soon.
i don't like lying.