it hurts but it might be the only way.....

im just gonna become a whore.
i will never get the person i want.
its useless for me to try.
blahblah.
i can set people up, but i cant do it for myself.
ughguhguhguguughugguguguguhughgg
jakgkljadgfkjagfkjhfdagdf

look around

yesterday was fun
I love my youth group and I love him.
today was boring, nothing too exciting excepty parents bitching to me.
I hate that so much whatever I deal with it
I'm going in early. night<<3

<3

All I know is you're not here to say, what you always used to say, but it's written in the sky tonight.
rip ms. sellers<33

i had a revelation today

while driving with my dad back from my grandmothers house.
this little church on valley road had a sign that read "live in the world, don't live with the world"
i thought about it, and realized that it was saying is that you need to be yourself in a world where people are trying to fit in with others.
being yourself is better than anything you could do.
i realized that all that i need to do is be myself.
i don't need anything else as long as i can be myself and let other people know me for who i am, not who i want to be.

all i need to be is myself. life is fabbity fab fab. :]

hopefully i can do something that i've wanted to do for a while now. maybe not, im not sure.
im too indecisive. i hate that about myself.
one minute i'll be wanting to do something, but then the next i'll be backing out of it.

i'll figure out everything as soon as i need to.

c'est la vie

ps- sue me cuz i haven't posted in two days. nothing worth writing about happened.

I get by with a little help from my friends

im gonna try with a little help from my friends

nothing too exciting has happened, i need a to make a big descision asap
or i know nothing will happen

ill do whatever it takes

"youve gotta love yourself before you ever love me"


im working on that the best that i am capable to
i want to love you but i need to love myself first

toooooday

has been really boring, and i have done nothing worth writing about.

"i want to wish for something new, this is the scariest thing i've ever done in my life, who do we think we are?"

you make me feel like i've never felt before

i don't know what i want to do with you...

the only thing you knew was true has just walked out of your life, how does it feel?

i wonder will you care when i’m gone
and it’s done and i’ve really had enough
and i’m sorry for the trouble 
it’s been costing us so much
splitting apart is getting harder to tell what you want

tonight

was good. 

sweet 16 was a lot of fun.

danced, danced, danced, wooooo baby

so i wrote this today for a class, and it got me thinking.

My ideal self-image is to be taller and skinnier, and to look like everyone else. I want to be like other people. My ideal image is different from my real self because I am not that much like other people. I’m tall, but not tall enough. I’m not skinny enough to be considered thin like other people. My hair is thick and curly, and to get it to the way I want it I have to blow dry and straighten it. I have to put on makeup for my face to look the way I want it to look, like other people. Control over one’s body works like a security blanket because if you can control the way that you want to look, you can make yourself look how ever you want. If you have the money to buy expensive makeup to make yourself look better, you can do that. If you have the money to ever surgically make yourself better, you can do that in society today. People think that they need to be like everyone else, even I think that. But I wouldn’t change too much of myself to be like everyone else.

Discovering your real self can be hard, and many people struggle to find their real selves. I know that I used to have a problem with finding my real self, because the people all around me also had problems finding their real selves. The person that other people wanted to be was stereotype “pretty”. Skinny, tall, blonde hair and tan. I was giving in to what my friends wanted to be, and I thought that I wanted to be the stereotype as well. I realized that I had to be comfortable with myself before anyone else could be comfortable with me. I am much more comfortable with myself than I had previously been, and it has helped me in many ways. I’m still not what I’d like to be, but I’m slowly getting there. 

if everyone always worries about how other people are going to see them, how are they going to do what they wanna do? if people are so worried about themselves, are they going to be able to focus on the other people around them? when you're secure with yourself, others are secure with you too. it's easier to be yourself around someone that you can trust to be themselves. being myself has been hard, because the last time that i told someone who i really was, he denied me. not exactly, but a while after he knew everything about me, he turned away from me. i lost a really good friend, and i thought it was because i was being myself. so i kept (that part of) myself hidden from other people because i didn't want to lose another good friend again.  he knew the real me, and i guess he just couldn't deal with it. i honestly don't know what happened. but i know that it was the worst thing in my life. he tried to help me when nobody else was there, and then he turns his back on me. i lost a best friend because of the real me, and i have a problem with letting people know who i really  am ever since. i've had people hate me for what i say when i'm just trying to fit in, just trying to do what i thought people wanted to hear from me. i can't stop thinking about loosing a best friend and it sucks. i've been betrayed horribly and i've been screwed over too many times by too many different people. i have a problem opening myself up to people because i'd want anything but this to happen again. 

and tonight, i feel that i opened myself up too much. i think that i let people know too much about me, and it worked to my disadvantage. i wish that i hadn't tried to be who they wanted me to be. i wanted to be someone different in high school, and it seems that i'm turning out to be the same person that i didn't want to be almost two years ago. i tried to work on it, but it's always gonna fall down to be the same thing. people change. and i hate change, its the thing that i hate the most. change can make a person a monster, and believe me i know that. for a fact. i don't know any of the people that i used to know. i just want someone to love me for me. 

i want to learn how to seize the day and live my life to the fullest. i want to be confident with who i am. i want to be happy with myself. i don't want to live a life with lies following me around. i need someone that feels the same way i do. 

you can't be missed if you never go away..

so, today was valentines day. and i didn't have a valentine again. 

i'm used to it. i don't mind. 

the person that i'd want to be my valentine isn't here anyway. 

i still have my el toro. (hah :|)

i don't know, i want something like all my friends have. its not gonna happen. 

i want to walk around and hold hands with someone, thats what i miss. i don't care about anything else. i just wanna be loved. 

i'd give anything to be with you right now, or to talk to you.

i think that the only way i'd get over you is if you went away for a long time.

last summer, kyle went away to college. i wanted to tell him how i felt. but i didn't. 

i was too scared of his reaction. i was so upset in myself, and i wanted to let him know.

i thought every time i went somewhere, he was gonna be there. 

and i cried every night until i realized he wasn't gonna be around.

and it sucked, honest. i thought i'd go visit him like i wanted to.

nothing ever happened, and i never got my time with him. 

my perfect time with him down the shore. didn't happen. 

"it's the end of a broken heart, i went on without you" 

he was gonna come back for winter break. he did. i wasn't here to see him.

he apparently didn't ask about me, so it wasn't anything special. 

i really do miss him, and i haven't fully gotten over him.

he's always gonna be there in my heart somewhere. 

i'm afraid that you're gonna find out, and then you're gonna leave me too.

so i'm not gonna tell you until i figure out what to do.

i want to be like everyone else. i want to be prettier. i want to be funnier.

i want to be loved. 

i'd rather be friends with you then have you leave me altogether. 

even if you're the biggest asshole, i can't forget about you. you'd have to leave me for a long time. 

and even then you're still gonna be there. 

and maybe i do want you to figure it out, and i can (possibly) have something stable in my life.

i think it would work out. 

we'd be funny. 

but i don't think that you'd want me, when you could have someone else. 

i give enough love, i just want some of it back from somebody. 

my friend's in the same boat, and i feel exactly the way he feels. 

i just don't publicize it. i keep it inside and smile.

what else am i supposed to do? 

"i dont want the world to see me, cuz i don't think that they'd understand.."

ps, i miss you a lot. 

feeling as good as lovers can

"back to the street, back to the place, back to the room where it all began, hey back to the room where it all began"

i want to go back to every night of the last two months. 

i miss it. i miss you. 

and i know what i want now, and i'm okay with it.

you'll just never know. 

"now i know what i mean" 

i always trip on my clumsy heart

im so glad break is in 3 days. i need it so bad.

i need something so bad. 

i hate thinking, but i do too much of it. 

"and they talked alot today and he said some cute things and she doens't know if she should tell him"

definition of my life. thank you caroline. 

today.

today wasn't too eventful.

i think i wanna be his friend first before i go into anything too deep. 

something will work out eventuallyyyyyyyyy. 

i love my friends, and i wouldn't trade them for the world.

i actually did all of my homework for school, im trying harder now.

i cant wait for antioch and sweet16s. im so excited. :]]]]]

im so tired, so sorry its not long. 

lovelovelovelove, me<3

4 days

i think the last time i updated was friday? possibly.

but friday was eventful, my dog had surgery and i was at my grandmas house practically all day.

saturday, i fought with my family so i could go to the cast reunion party at carolines. i won and i went to the party a little later after i left the family party that i was at. 

the cast party was a lot of fun, and i miss doing the drama with everyone. i realized that i dont want to give up on him, but i thought i did. 

i figured that being his friend is a good first step.  

sunday, was good. 

i went to church and saw 2 cute guys, (hahah in church nonetheless). i feel bad for my dog, because shes been moping around the house and can't really move or do anything active.

so ive been sitting with her and chilling with her a lot. 

i decided that i'd let him do whatever he needed to do to get over his ex, and then an amazing thing happened. 

his status on facebook was "verysingle" and i died.

hes over his ex, and hopefully something will happen. im still gonna be his friend first and see where that takes me. 

after i was in a good mood, i went to antioch team meeting. 

i love the kids there, they're all so amazing. i got my prayer partner and ill be praying for him through lent and during the team process. 

i have to do a prayer service for antioch, im a greeter, im gonna be doing some icebreakers, and im also a share/sleep group facilitator.

i really can't wait for it to start. im super excited. 

so thats whats been up in my life. 

im trying to do better, i really am. 

rip#2<3

the past 2 days

all i've done is sleep, eat (barely), be sick, and do my school work. 

it sucks and i hate it.

but i realized something. 

that i don't need to like you anymore.

i think it was a one time thing, and if anything would have happened (which i highly doubt) 

it would have ended up like the last fly-by fling i had. shitty and we don't talk anymore

but now i'm glad we can (s)talk to (each)other on facebook. 

and maybe i'll see you at panera some time soon? ;D

ive been so sick

the past few days so i havent updated.

sorry :[

but i've just been sick and more sick and fun. woo

but im on team for antioch and on crew.

its gonna be a lot of work but i think i can do it.

lkfdg :] january 31, 2008

last night/yesterday was interesting.
wooooooooooooo. yeah i was sick
i went to dancing with the stars. yeah fun life.