i want love

i want to able to have someone that i can walk down the beach with holding hands.
i want to not have a care in the world, because the person i love is holding me.
i am so afraid that i will never get that. i try, and every time i try it seems that i get shut down.

things happen, and people change.
for the better? not so much.
i don't particularly like it, but what can i do about it?
there are some people that i haven't seen in my life that i know would be better people. and they haven't changed in my life since i've known them..
i hate that i get so close to people and think that they're friends with me, and then they turn around and start doing everything without me.

i don't want to be a whiny bitch about everything, because bottom line is: i'm still alive and i'm not really going through any pain in a huge way.
i have nothing that i need to complain about.
i read something before that made me think, and smile.

"Love your life. Every last bit of it.. the good, the bad, the rain, the kissing, the movies, the books, the pretty lights, the runny noses, and water hoses. Shopping malls, and the magic of pen on paper. How you can make words appear as if from nowhere. How you can find love and how love can find you. Nights alone and afternoons with friends. The busiest, most annoying, lackluster day of your life and the fact that you made it through in one piece. Being able to laugh that day off when a worse one comes your way. Sight, sound hope, and the feeling of your feet on the ground. Love it all, because you only get one."

i love it. and i don't hate my life or anything. i'm just not happy with it. i can't complain at all though.

i need to sort out my life.
my mother said i'm unprepared for life, and i agree with her now. even though i fought with her about it before.
i need to know what i'm doing in my life.

ps- he makes me smile without trying. its kind of ridiculous. i'll get over it in a few weeks though, like i always do. its a bad habit i'm trying (not so much) to break.